Wife’s a B**ch and then you “Try” or was it “Cry!”

Wife’s a B**ch and then you “Try” or was it “Cry!”   

My wife runs on

 

Over the last three years I have been particularly hard work to live with, the deep depression, anxiety led to me spending most of my life in bed with the door closed “my super massive black hole”, or as my wife would refer to it as “my pit”  

my Pit!

 

Even with me being less of a pain for her to deal with in terms of my usual regular extremes of mood swings when rarely at home and not working, which would include regular bouts of irritability leading to anger & aggression resulting in arguments, also my continual running of the household and family like it was the workplace in my usual driven and tyrannical way. Driving my children at times to despair when I would remind them for the umpteenth time each night to clean their teeth, wash their face or do your homework etc. The fact I worked so many hours and when I did actually return home for the better part I would often retire to my bedroom exhausted to get some well-earned peace & quiet in total isolation and try to switch off from my work life stresses which compounded my way of  living continually on the edge, this was a major benefit to my family in a sad way, as they wouldn’t have to suffer my moods as much as my colleagues and employee’s would on a daily basis.  

All this as now ceased to a greater extent since my breakdown she somehow now missed my normal annoying old habits as a result of my constant mood changes, and was left with someone she didn’t recognise a shadow of my former self, albeit a very quiet one for the better part of the time. So she would try her best to get me up out of my self-indulgent trance with what can be only described as a new tactic for her, that of  being a complete “B**ch” not that this worked very successfully unfortunately, even though I did care enough of why she had acted the way she had at the time, and I also realised how badly I must have been for her to act in the way she did. I can honestly say I did “Try!”  and as for “Cry” I was all cried out it seemed to me from the first initial months of my breakdown, when tears seemed to break out without reason or rhyme. No mater how she or I tried nothing seemed to do the trick, you wouldn’t have believed it, especially if you knew me well and how much effort I can put in when suitably motivated and when in the right state of mind that is, now I know how far from the right state of mind so to say I was during this dark period of my life!   

You made me Cry!

 

I can’t explain why when my wife was so hacked off with me that her being a “B**ch” with me didn’t ultimately give me the impetus to get up and get to it in a sustainable way, obviously my condition’s hold on me was stronger than that of her’s, and until I had realised my true issues and their root causes for my self it would have been nigh on impossible to overcome them and shake them off no matter who told me too. All that taken into consideration, I do appreciate now when looking back the underlying well-meaning of my wife’s attempts every now and then to give me a sharp kick up the ass! although at the time the impact could have been counter-productive and possibly God forgive tipped me over the edge by adding more issues for me to face than I could humanly handle. Anyway now that’s all behind us and hopefully I have turned the corner and on the road to recovery and managing my demon’s reasonably successfully, once realising my demon’s were medical in nature and that I had suffered from them all my life I could now for once understand my life and actions to date, and this gets better each day when I recall and analyse my past with new foresight, the recent events of 2006 & 2007 of sustained stress I was subjected too had led to an impact not experienced by myself before, a total breakdown, all the defences I had subconsciously developed throughout my life to deal with my life and condition couldn’t cope with the extreme circumstances that led to my eventually “popping” in 2007. I felt as most do following a breakdown, guilty, useless, and a fraud when suffering all the associated feelings and symptoms (this was not me), the feeling of guilt etc all add to the negative feelings and leads to that all too well-known situation the vicious spiral, piling on the unwanted negative mental and physical symptoms associated with anxiety and depression in all it’s worse forms. I now know I was not a total failure who was being lazy and letting the whole family down although my actions or lack of action at the time due to my condition were actually leading to just that! The major problem is how to break that vicious downward spiral and enter a phase of the upward virtuous cycle!  

I am sure you heard it all before but here it goes anyway, my advice is don’t blame yourself too much just try to help yourself by understanding yourself better, research your symptoms and discuss with your GP everything even the things you don’t associate with your current condition (this could have helped identify my condition much earlier if I had realised) , don’t be afraid to ask for help! this is easier said than done I know but you must try, seek out and go to self-help groups (meet some great people with similar experiences to yourself, and get advice from those with first hand knowledge), and lastly get out and about and walk, take up a hobby, I like wildlife & birdwatching with my youngest daughter and find this very relaxing and a great tonic to raise your mood. Ad don’t forget be charitable to others, a great way to feel good about yourself!   

Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Impulsive, Irritability, Mental Health, Obesity, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder "OCD", Overweight, Self-Help, Stress, Work